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Am a contradiction of sorts. i love going out and having a good time with friends, and i can also stay home chill out over a book or a movie.. Am very passionate about writing, so give me a topic and watch me float away into wonderland... I Am crazy about music,books,friends and my doggie... :)

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Dear Diary.. time does fly by



Dear Diary,

Am back.. It has been awhile but feels like I was writing in you only yesterday. Two whole months have gone by and we have survived the days and nights.  But there are moments when am just blank and  I end up having a chat with Granpa - enquiring how he is doing now, does he get to watch TV, has he met his brother/sister and aunts/uncles/cousins.. If he gets to eat all that he loves or the diet is different and weird. 

Gramma is alright, she is being strong. Her life and day has changed completely, nothing seems familiar anymore. She doesn't do her daily puja, doesn't spend too much time in the puja room, doesn't keep milk for God like she used to... Gosh, the list is endless. I take a shower and light the lamp in the puja room, I keep fruits for God.... I am the one turning off all the lights, locking up and winding down before we hit the bed. I sleep with gramma and I sleep in Thatha's place... Every night is a bit of a struggle before sleep takes over. We talk about how thatha would curl up on his side, how he would wake up the minute gramma made the smallest sound, or if she was getting up to go to the loo, drink water. He would be up with her, be the one to go out fetch the vessel that holds the milk packets. 

Gramma is not the bold/am not scared of anything kind. She will not go out of the house once the sun sets unless one of us is with her, she will lock up all the doors and sit in the hall with TV on if she is alone, and she generally hates being home alone... 

My life has gone through some changes as well, but am back to finding my ground and getting into a rhythm. I am home early in the evenings, I don't go out late in the night or if I do, mom/uncle come stay over. I have come to terms with the fact that I have moved out of my own space. I recently bought a wardrobe and was quite excited as I filled it up. :-) 

I know there is a bigger plan in the offing... So, I have made peace with life and am happy about it.. 

Well, that's it for now.. Talk to you soon.
Love
Aarti

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Vidya said...

Aarti, I am sorry for your loss. It has been 3 years since my grandma passed away and I still feel her loss. So, I know that no matter what I write, may not necessarily console you or your grandma. It is the biggest fear that we all have - fear of death and nothing ever prepares us for that. I hope you find the peace in your heart. Somebody told me that I can try really looking at my grandma's picture so that I can remember her, feel whatever I am feeling instead of trying to bury them with the humdrum of daily life. I couldn't bring myself to do that in the first year of her passing. The wound of her loss was still fresh. But I do that now - 3 years later. I don't know if what I wrote helped. If it did, I am happy.

Hugs!
Vidya

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