Everytime I open a new page, my mind is in a muddle. I am going through something big, something drastic and it has me thinking.. 

Today is the 10th day since grandpa passed away. Yes, he died.. He was one of those who I thought will live forever. I knew he was weak, I knew he was barely eating, I knew he dint have the energy or zest he had earlier, but still I secretly hoped he lived on forever and ever. 

About 2 weeks ago, he fell ill, he couldn’t breathe and so we admitted him in Hospital, after a few days they diagnosed him with pneumonia, and prescribed meds to help ease the phlegm out. And within a day, doc said  “he is good to go home, am prescribing some meds, come back for a review next friday”. This was on Saturday. But then on wed, once again he had fever and began gasping for breath. So, off we took him once again to the hospital where his condition was labelled “critical” and he was shifted to the CCU and put on oxygen cos he couldn’t breath easily on his own. Apparently phlegm was blocking his pipes & so oxygen wasn’t flowing through to his lungs properly. 

During the course of the 2 days we spoke to his Cardio who suggested we move him to Ramachandra hospital once he stabilises. He did and we decided to move him on saturday. The paper work, wait for ambulance all took nearly 4 hours and finally he was loaded and going to the other hospital with a worried mom & uncle tagging along. I got home, stayed with gramma and waited for my uncle to arrive from Delhi. He came home, we got a call from mom that grandpa was very critical and might not make it through the night. We packed gramma with uncle and sent her to the hospital, we did not tell her everything. She kept asking us “Why tonight, i shall go tomorrow”. We said “no, thatha has been asking for you for a few days, go see him and come”. She believed us and went, only to come back upset that thatha did not open his eyes, see her or talk to her. 

That night was a nightmare.. Me, my sis and bro were up all night, pacing the living room, waiting for an update.. We knew the end was near, but were at our wit’s end, and prayed it wasn’t going to be what we dreaded… We made sure gramma was alright and slept a bit. Around 4.20am uncle called from hospital saying it was all over… He wanted me to tell gramma..

How do I tell her that her husband is no more? 

How do I face her and tell her that the man she spent nearly 64yrs with was no more?

How was I to tell her that her pillar of strength had left her and gone away?

How was I to tell her she was a widow? 

And yet , I did… Gosh. it was the most painful moment of my life ever..

Walked into the bedroom with my sis following close and we broke the news to her and watched her crumble. 

I don’t think I can ever get over this loss… this moment!! 

Diary- why do people die? Why can’t we just live on and go on n on? Will there be an advancement in technology that lets us just live on and on or vanish into thin air and make people around us forget us instantly? 

Everyday is a struggle… every moment is painful.. we don’t know what word, what action will trigger off an outburst. There are moments when she seems ok, but then there are others when she is helpless and crying like a baby..

Diary- I wish the days just fly by and she finds strength to move on…. 

She has all of us, but still the void shall remain, I know!! 

Sigh.. can’t write any more… see you soon!