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Am a contradiction of sorts. i love going out and having a good time with friends, and i can also stay home chill out over a book or a movie.. Am very passionate about writing, so give me a topic and watch me float away into wonderland... I Am crazy about music,books,friends and my doggie... :)

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Battle with the body - XIII

So, couple of days back while sitting at a coffee shop, I observed two people talking in the table nearby. There was quite a bit of animated head nodding and arms flailing. And then there was the gestures.. I was also able to hear the conversation [no i was not eves dropping, they were loud]. The guy had his arms spread out on either side and was referring to a person with "big" as a prefix.  The girl then smiled and replied "Ah, yes, I know him.. have met him at xyz event... la la la"...  This got me thinking.... 

Why is it that when you are referring to someone and need the other person to understand- you use hand signs and gestures? It is so they will identify the shape or figure right? While am fine with using these for things and places, it irks me to no end when people use them for other people. Spreading hands wide on either side to show a “big” person, or one hand above the head to show “tall” and showing the pinky finger when we are talking about someone lean/skinny and so on… I find it offensive and  it is also according to me body shaming… 

I get that it is the easiest way to get someone to identify the person one is talking about, but heck it is not right...  Imagine if you were referring to someone's size and that person happens to walk by , they would definitely be shocked and hurt... 

You might not mean to insult or hurt the person, but you are… Infact there is a family our families have known forever and the man’s name has a prefix “gundu” [fat]…  It all began eons ago, mainly cos this man and another uncle share the same name. So in order to differentiate or specify who you are talking about, you need a distinct word or nickname… since this man was big built, conveniently people added the prefix “gundu” to his name… now even though he is no longer big, and the other uncle has passed away, the tag has stuck on… 


Thursday, October 5, 2017

Battle with the body - XII getting published!

If you have been following my posts on "Body Shaming", you will know that I have grown up facing the wrath of many, smirks of too many to remember and of course the kind words of a few... And well, over the years have grown to love myself, love my body the way it is, and enjoy life for what its worth... 

I was on a recent holiday to USA, yes the infamous America and it was my 1st time there. I packed my bags, not a single salwar, indian outfit in it and was all set to have a blast. Did I?You betcha...   I wrote about the experience for an online magazine and here is a screenshot of the same below... :-)

Friday, September 8, 2017

Battle with the body- XI

So, I was away for a good two weeks enjoying myself..  This was a sort of Birthday gift to myself, I had planned this trip June - July and was looking forward to it for quite a while. I was away at Leh in Ladakh followed by a few days in Delhi... 

The days in Leh were magical to say the least. I knew the town offered quite a few places to see and beautiful vistas, but what I saw left me breathless..  I am always fascinated to meet people from different regions, explore their food, culture and experience all that it has to offer. Since the place was cold, I had carried only T-shirts, shirts, pants, jeans and such.. 

And so it was our last day, we were all packed and ready to head to the airport. The Leh Airport is a small one but quite complicated if you ask me. We went through security checks atleast 3 times, were made to go identify our bags before waiting for the boarding announcement. 

So, during the 1st security check, I stood in the "ladies" line waiting for the security lady to call me. As i walked into the curtained cubicle, she looked at me and gaped for a good minute. I smiled at her. She then says "are you really a lady".. I gaped as if to ask "are you kidding me... go ahead, feel me out"

She then went on to say "I have never seen a girl so tall". "Look around, all the women here are my height or shorter"

I then told her " well, here I am, feast your eyes".  [had to grit my teeth to stop myself from making a sarcastic comment]

She went about her checking and waved me off. I walked away flabbergasted. Not sure if it was some small town mentality or if she was genuinely amazed at my build and made that comment without thinking.. Or was she being a bitch ... 

When I moved over to the next security the lady there saw my name, asked me where I was from and said she was kicked to see a girl so tall. This time I beamed at her and said thanks! Made small chat before walking out to collect my hand baggage and catch up with the guys. 

People never cease to amaze me!! 

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Let the conversation flow...

 Sometimes you meet someone, and conversation just flows nonstop, and seamlessly. You are amazed at the end of the meet and smiling away.

And then there are some when you have no clues what to talk about, either they aren't the talking kind or just very different from you or blah. And these are times when you want to leave the place asap and not look back.

For me atleast a good conversation is the biggest Turn on. I don't need good looks, or bank balance, but being able to talk to someone is what keeps me in high spirits and happy.  There are people around me who often question this , ask me why it is so important to be able to hold a conversation. Sometimes, we might be poles apart and yet be able to coexist they argue. But I guess for me that doesn't work, I can't co-exist, rather I don't want to co-exist with anyone.

For ex, a decade or so ago, when my parents were actively looking to get me  married off, they would bring about proposals of guys working in this BIG IT Firm, with a car worth x lakhs, have a house and the works- you get the drift right? And I would play along, telling them I need to meet the guy alone before taking a decision. Unfortunately that is where things would go downhill, much to their chagrin. I would meet the guy and within minutes be ready to bolt or slap them. 

When I would come back home and tell family it was a NO from me, they dint get it. Their argument was "some people are silent, that doesn't mean you can't live with them... blah blah". This made me wonder why they dint get the concept of "conversations and how it was essential for open communication between two people"

Similarly, there are a few in my family circle with who I have nothing in common. We chit chat for a few seconds and I walk away. There are those aunts who I have known for a few decades and every time we meet the only thing they ask me " What is the latest movie you saw" .. Am like 'are you serious'... these days I just smile the minute we encounter and walk away.... And then there are others with who I can yap away for hours- it would be across topics and flow seamlessly.. So much fun I tell you!

Why is it that with some we are able to hit it off instantly and it continues for days/weeks/months/years beyond? and with some it dies after a short span of time while there are some that just dont take off at all? 

Is it to do with their social skills? Do they know/not know how to have a conversation? 

During many of my dates, I have had guys just fire away one question after another, making me wondering if I was there for a fun date or an interview... And when they ran out of questions, it was on to fidgeting with the menu card or looking around randomly, refusing to make eye contact... 

Recently, I connected with a guy on a dating app, and within minutes we were done and there was nothing but blank space. We had exchange notes on what we did for a living, our location and then the guy went silent. I gave up and moved on. But the guy messaged after a day asking how I was doing, and then silence... This was on rinse repeat mode for a few days. And one evening he sends me a msg saying " I dont know what to ask you.. you say something na". I took the chance and replied " It can't be an interview session all the time. Sometimes when there is nothing between two people, it is best to move on.". He either did not get the message or was the Duh/desperate kind. His reply " No, no, you say something na..". I again replied " Conversations need to flow easy, cannot be forced. I think its best to call it quits and move on in life.. ". He again sent a "No, but I like you, dont know what to talk.... ".. I gave up and just left it at it... 

Think of all those people in our life who seem to bring out the best in us whenever you talk to them.. We feel comfortable talking to them and could go on talking forever. They could be old friends or someone we just met, but the conversation just seems to flow smoothly and naturally.How and why? Have we been trained on the art of making conversation? Well, here are a few points I could think of on this.... 
1. Listen without an intent to just reply - there are many who are already playing a response in their heads, that most times they fail to listen. Don't do that. Actively listen to what the other person is saying and then respond accordingly. Its alright if you have nothing to contribute! 
2. Its not always about you - Don't hog the conversation about your fun/show off/sob stories. After briefly talking about something that happened in your life, shift the focus to the other person. It is good to have them talk about their life. You just might learn something new!
3. Body language and gestures - it is always good to use hands when talking, but don't go over the top by flailing your arms about. It sometimes intimidates the other person and they shy away. Similarly, hands folded across your chest is a big NO NO esp if you are standing and talking.  When sitting, don't have your head in their face or keep moving your head away when the other person is talking to you. Let them know you are listening to them. 
I have the habit of nodding or saying "umm. ah. ok.." when someone is talking [ be it in person or on phone. just my way of acknowledging that am listening to what they are saying.. but I know of few who think this is unnecessary..well, I am happy doing this, cos silence could make the other person wonder if you are even there on the other side"]
4. Occasional pauses and silence is good - you dont have to go on and on and on. Sometimes a brief second of silence is good. Also, pause between sentences, dont want it to sound like lecture. Dont fidget, or pick up your phone and continue texting when the other person is talking... 
5. Interesting/offbeat topics - there is more to life than work and home.. Look for some other interests to share. If you are learning a language, an art form or travelled to somewhere new do share stories and ask for the same from the other person. You can also show off photographs on the phone or something you bought from there [if you are carrying it with you].. Or if nothing comes to your mind, you could talk about the place you are at, the coffee shop/restaurant... 
Well, let me know your thoughts on how important conversations are to you!! 

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Battle with the body- X

Right from my childhood days, I have noticed that kids were/are the cruelest. No, I am not saying kids are evil or any such unforgivable thing... Am referring to how they can really hurt someone with their words/actions... During my junior school days, I would walk on the road or be in school and have random kids on the street and my classmates/schoolmates make fun of me…  They wouldn’t hesitate to call me names and invariably it was associated with an animal or a vegetable.

Elephant [yanai]
Pumpkin [poosanikkai]
Big Brinjal [gundu kathirikai]
were the ones commonly used. Infact, I used to shy away and walk fast when crossing a certain section of the road or when I see a bully in the vicinity. I guess it also hit my self-confidence during those growing years.  Above it all, I always thought it was because of the small town we lived in that people behaved this way and this wasn’t how it was in big cities.

Oh, how wrong was I.  To my dismay I found kids in Chennai as bad if not worse than those in smaller towns. Here not only would they smirk and make fun, but they also would outlaw you. They would not include you in their gang or even let you sit with them on the same table during lunch. It is exactly like what we see in Foreign TV shows and movies.

Not only kids, but I found adults too had a way of making you feel conscious. They would meet you at home/outside and the first thing they would point out is your weight. “Oh, you look like you have piled on some eh…. Been busy gorging on those sweets over the holidays is it?” – ha if only, then i would atleast have a reason for the extra pounds, am the kind whose body will add em just by looking at the word "food" printed on a magazine... or “The dress is tad tight no, wear something else, something loose”- yea more like a pillow case… or “oho, still not married ah, I guess if you lose a few kilos it would make a difference and you would be married in no time”- ya right, the world is full of guys with stars in their eyes dreaming of a skimpy sexy babe. And then there are those pesky family members who make sure to find you, make a beeline towards you, and pass a comment about your weight. It is almost like they have a special radar that goes "beep beep beep" the minute you walk into the venue/home/function.

It is one of the reasons why I hated and avoided going for family functions. Did I mention I am tall as well? Yes, am nearly 6ft tall, so am quite hard to miss!! :D

But one thing that has stuck with me is that I never ever poke[d] fun at anyone- be it someone big or small, tall or short, fair or dark, etc etc… And I dint care, nor do I care now about a person’s appearance, what they wear, where they live, how much money they make or what kind of skin they have…. It seriously doesn’t matter. To me, all that matters is if I get along with the person or not. If I do, super, I strike up a conversation and all that jazz, else I smile and walk away.

Over the years when I grew up, learnt how to turn a deaf ear to anyone who mocked/teased a big thing I have noticed with kids is that they imitate what their parents/adults around them do. They follow them to the T.. If you don’t believe me, try slipping in a swear word or something stupid and see how fast they pick it up, not only that they will also remember and use it as often as possible, much to your embarrassment….

Just as with everything else, this too begins at home. Children do/imitate what they see around them. If someone older than them is doing something, then it must be right, therefore it gets copied instantly. But what kids don’t realise [well that is why they are kids] is that their actions have impact on others. Yes, till the age of 5/6 they don’t really think or know what they are doing. But beyond that, they continue doing what they did cos their mom/dad/uncle/aunt/cousin/someone else around them did it and got away with it or all it did was made them laugh.

When I walk on the road, I see school girls point, smirk, giggle, pull their friends, share the joy and it becomes like a chain.. just doesn’t stop, not until you don’t see them anymore! In supermarkets ad other places kids poke fun, shout out a comment or whisper something to their mom and the duo look  at you and laugh. I have actually gone up to the parent and asked them what was funny, if I had jam on my face or had grown an extra pair of ears. They don’t know what to say or do, they quickly walk away.

So, how about teaching your kids what is right and wrong, teach them about correct touch and bad touch.. Do not imbibe in them the concept of making fun of someone just cos they look different. Do not scare them saying “if you keep eating ice cream, you will become fat like that aunty, or if you don’t watch what you eat, you will become ugly like that uncle”… 

If you are to argue saying the parents whose kids mock are likely to be uneducated, I just might slap you.  Most times, I find educated is a word we use to hide behind. It is invariably parents/kids from “educated” background who mock others. They seem to think they are King/queen of the world and others are all weird or queer. 

Damn, did not realize I have written so much. All am trying to say is “Parents, teach your kids to be strong, smart, learn how to deal with the world and be nice to everyone [maybe you should also learn these in the process and change]!!

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Saying NO and standing your ground...

The urge to say No is like that itch that won't go away, we know it exists but we are unable to reach it to scratch it away. Most times we spend so much time thinking it makes us a bad person for saying no.. Yes, we are all guilty of having this syndrome - it is called the need "to please" .. I had a tough time turning people down, rejecting projects and saying No to close friends/family. I literally had to bite my tongue and walk away, lest I caved in and said Yes, only to regret it later.

What happens is I would say Yes, and nod my head, but within seconds regret accepting it [whatever it was] and it would keep nagging me to no end. I would feel suffocated, sometimes would have to burn the midnight oil to complete the task or spend sleepless nights worrying about the task I was to do or the product/thing I had lent to someone.

 And thus began the process of me being aware of what was expected of me by the other person, evaluating my options, and then taking a decision. The initial few times I had reasons and valid excuses for saying NO. But even then, I would feel guilty, feel like I was a bad person. And if the person was a friend, and if they did not message or sounded different, I would keep connecting invisible dots and wondering if it was because I had turned them down they were behaving differently. Sigh.. Traumatising moments I tell you. 

Finally, one day I did not feel guilty anymore. I was free. I had said No and was at peace. I knew I had done the right, and the person had hopefully understood where I came from. It felt liberating.  I kinda understood the value of being true to myself and just accepting reality and not taking on more than I can chew. 

This applied to all aspects of life- work, friends, favours, money loans, etc etc... If I wasn't comfortable doing something or lending it out, I simply said No, not done and that was that. I did not mull over it in my head or lose sleep over it.  If the friend/family did not call/msg like they normally would, I was FINE with it [No, am not just saying it, I mean it]

You might have 10 mins free, you might be jobless, or you might just not be in the mood. It is perfectly fine, you can still go ahead say NO to whoever and whatever is being asked of you. You could be sitting at home watching Funny baby/dog videos, just chilling to music, reading that book that has been on the shelf forever, just go ahead enjoy it~ Remember, you are,

  • Saying No for the Sake of Your Time
  • Saying No for the Sake of Your Sanity
  • Saying No for the Sake of Your Relationship [oh yes, esp between friends it can turn sour]
  • Above all, Say No for the Sake of You... 

What are the situations/reasons for saying NO?

1. A friend wants you to help them out with a project they are struggling with - you have deadlines looming large and this would mean working extra 2hours, sleeping less and would be a stretch.. say no and offer alternatives to help them solve the puzzle.  

2. A friend wants to borrow money from you - yes, you feel bad for them, and you do have money to spare, but it might ruin your friendship. They might not be able to return it on time, or it would just become awkward between the two of you. You would constantly second guess giving them the money...

3. You have invited a bunch of people home for dinner and have a theme in mind. One friend offers to bring a dish that doesnt fit the theme - Tell them a polite thank you and give suggestion on something else they can bring or just tell them to come and enjoy!

4. You have had a long day at work and are looking forward to going home chilling with a glass of wine and some movie, when a colleague asks if you can pull in overtime as they need to go to a dinner/movie/party - Duh, no way, just tell them you have had a long day and cannot spend another minute in the office. wish them luck and walk away..

5. You are asked to volunteer at an event, or rather the person organising it assumes you are gonna be free and informs you last minute.- Tell them you were unaware of the event and have gone ahead made other plans, so will not be able to make it. It doesn't matter if you are free the whole day, if you do not like their approach or taking you for granted, it is fine to decline. 

6. You have made travel plans, and a friend/family member asks if you can carry some extra stuff for someone who is at the destination you are headed to. You have spent hours carefully planning your bags and know it would add to extra baggage. - Tell them not possible and that they should have informed you much ahead of time as they knew of your travel plans. Doesn't make sense to carry extra stuff and shell out money for it.

7. Other situations where you can say No are 
- Borrow clothes/ jewellery/vehicle
- Borrow books - yes some of us are particular about our books and don't like to lend them out.
- Make project submissions on behalf of others [even if there is money involved]
-Attending events you are not interested in [even if you have been attending it in the past]

So, go on give it a shot... say NO next time someone asks you for something/help/favor/blah blah blah... 

Do you have any personal stories to share on this? Do send them across by email or leave a comment.. Happy to hear :D 

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

The high horse

In life we come across people of all kinds, shapes, sizes and personalities. While I couldn't care about their appearances, it is their personality that leaves an impact. Sometimes its positive, sometimes its inspiring, and sometimes it just irks me to no end.

Not sure if it is random timing or a phase in life but am coming across folks who are sitting on a High horse, looking down at the rest of us, smirking, sneering, and passing comments/judgements.
I have one question to ask them - Who died and made you King/Queen of the world?

Definition for "high horse" acc to is [noun] 
"a haughty attitude or temper; a contemptuous manner."

Let me explain further, get you to understand what am ranting about. There are these folks, good at heart and all that, but they are so judgemental of those around them.  It is at a point where they are constantly correcting them, trying to get them to do what these "king/queen[s]" think is right, rule the world with their expert comments [however half baked they are] and basically try and prove some kind of point. 

In reality, all they are doing is not looking into their own self, making the changes needed or simply living their life better.  The one common thread I notice among all these folks is that they don't really have a life.. NO, again I am not telling them to go out party nonstop or travel, but they don't seem to be doing anything outside of x y or z. 

No, I am not judging them or telling them what to do, but I know for a fact they have a long way to go before they can point fingers at others. Maybe this is their defence mechanism, to stop the world from looking at their flaws. I know about this whole defence mechanism thing because till about a few years ago Anger was my shield. Even before someone could say something, I would pounce and they would walk away. But then I worked on it, and have managed to stop doing that [to a certain extent, there are times I fly off the handle, and regret it instantly... I now apologise and move on]

You know how there are people who will talk is not because they have tonnes to share, but more to stop others from asking them questions and putting them in the spot ?? [ah, I have given you something to think about eh...yep!] 

I feel sad for them, but then every time I meet/talk to one of them I am left pissed off and wanna do noting more than to just tell em to shut up. There are a few who I have stopped and told to chill [I am my biggest critic and I beat the shit out of myself enough, don't need someone else nitpick], but they don't get it. If not me, it is someone else, and this goes on esp if they have found a crowd that is submissive or does not talk back ...  

Do they get a kick from putting people down? 
Do they find some pleasure pointing out flaws in others?
Do they not realise they are not any better?
Do they think they know everything under the sun and those around them are stupid/duds?? 
What would it take to get them to pause and reflect on their own lives? 

I have seen parents, friends , partners do this to those around them and they do it all the time. They are happy as long as you are eating off their palm and nodding your head to their statements, but the minute you disagree, oh no, you have ruffled some feathers and out come the nasty words and smirks...they wont let go till you finally give in or give up!!

Is there some kind of insecurity they are fighting that pushes them to just keep taunting others? Do they not see that they are actually pushing those who care away? Or are they so happy/comfortable being on their own, that it blinds them ????  It wouldn't take me 2 seconds to give a sharp retort and walk away, but I choose not to stoop down to their level.. Also, what this would do is anger them, they still wouldn't see what they are doing is wrong/hurting others over & over & over... 

I admit I make oodles of mistakes, be it in my actions or words... I know I am nowhere near perfect, I dont even know what perfect is, but then I don't go around with my nose up in air, behaving all hoity toity with an air of arrogance [yes, that is the aura these folks give out].. Sigh..

You might have money
You might have looks
heck, you might have gazillion talent/skills
but it is just sad if you look down on others, just because they are different... 

So, these folks sitting on these so called High horses are one day gonna fall, with such a loud thud, they just might not be able to get up at all.  Next time you wanna correct someone or show them you know more than they do, just pause for a second and think "what is the point of it... or is it cool to just let it slide and have a fun conversation?"

Some interesting articles on this topic..

Friday, April 7, 2017

Growing old and other such fun things

No, this has nothing to do with a big birthday that is coming up few months down the road. It is more about dealing with people and age and other such things. 

I live with my gramma [mom's mom], I had been living with her and grandpa for a good decade before moving out to live on my own. And then as life would have it, things went down the drain, grandpa passed away and I moved back in here-it just felt like the natural thing to do.. So now I live with my gramma [she turned 82 few weeks back.] in a house she and grandpa built back in 1966.. A large house with just the two of us, but sometimes it feels like one too many :-) 

While it is good to live in this house, with plenty of space etc, there are days when I feel claustrophobic...I wish I could just fly away to a world where I know none.. 

Yes, we there are daily battles between us- most of which revolves around surprises there! What shall we cook for lunch today, wait it is wednesday/friday/amavasai/krithigai/masa paruppu[new month] and so on... ergo the menu will change, certain dishes/veggies will get shoved aside while few items will come show off in the front [pch pch] I will do some huff puff walking away, but eventually drag myself back to the kitchen to help gramma out or take over. She is quite stubborn when it comes to the way things are made- the ingredients, the way veggies are chopped, the kind of veggies used all the way down to the pot you cook it in. I agree and understand they are used to a certain format, but this whole "I will not budge, my way or high way" kinda gets to me. 

I remember when grandpa was around, he would throw quite a tantrum at the dining table every day during lunch time cos the veggies in the dish would not have been cut a certain way, or the pairing would be off  These got worse with age. Something that took me a while to understand. 

One thing have come to understand is that "as people grow older, they become babies".  True that, their needs, wants change, they crave attention, they enjoy sweets/treats... 

For ex, every time I would go out, I would invariably pick up something for them- donuts, sweets, snacks, or something else, but always return with a bag. Grandpa's eyes would go straight to my hands to see what I had brought back .. no matter what mood he was in before I walked in home, it would change and he would be happy..His favourite moments where retelling history, sharing stories from days/era gone by [even though after awhile we felt he was living in that world and not in the present, it dawned upon us those were happy times for him] :-) 

While there were moments of frustration, there were quite a few moments of joy which made up for it... Now that he has passed away, I see gramma change with every passing day... She has her opinions and sticks to em, loses temper when things don't go her way[which is almost always] or when she is unable to walk as fast as she used to or spend as much time as she used to in the kitchen, and so on. I try to be as patient as possible and help out wherever I can... and other times she gets upset and cries [which breaks my heart]... I being me keep asking her about titbits, how things were when she was newly married etc to keep her and me sane... Sigh!! 

On the other hand, there is my other gramma [dad's mom]who is 92, lives with my parents in our apartment. She had a bout of illness recently, which made her frailer [if such a word even exists], and she now lies in bed almost all day, or is lying on the diwan in the living room watching tv and is up and about only to shower and come to the dining table to eat. But when I do visit my folks, she is up and out, sitting and talking with me non stop. Mom says she is up and active whenever there are people over. :D.. But over the weeks I notice changes in her- dementia mainly. She has asked us if Diwali is over, if a cousin visited from UK or is yet to come, mixes up stuff she ate that day for lunch.  Recently, when I was leaving to head out, she calls me to her side and says "nee enakku karaikudilerundu pudavai vangindu vanthein sonna.. atha enkitta kuduthudu [you told me you had picked up a saree for me from karaikudi, give it off to me ok]. I replied that I had indeed given it to her right then, she had then passed it on to mom saying it wasn't comfortable, I shall ask mom to give it back to her... 

Sigh, breaks my heart to see people who were such strong personalities turn like this. But yes, we all need to accept that age isn't a pleasant thing and we need to accept that our body is aging as well as the mind and make peace with it. Cant force yourself to do things you did back in your youth, but keep it active enough to get through the day. 

I had the fortune of having my great grandmother along with us till mid 90s [dad's gramma]. She was such a fireball- you would see her stacking vessels in the kitchen or sharing stories with us grandkids. I was the only grandchild on both sides [for 12.5yrs on mom's side and 2yrs on dad's side]. it was she who taught me to play pallankuzhi, told me such amazing stories [kozhakattaikku kannu kaathu mookku undodi] and few shlokas [most of which I still remember]. She and gramma lived with us for as long as I can remember [grampa passed away in 80s]

I keep telling mom ,dad and others to take care of their health, make sure to eat well and do all they want to [without holding back]. But they dont get it.. Amidst all this I try and survive, one day at a time, making sure I live my life my way without cutting too many corners or stepping on too many toes. We have only one life to live, remember? 

My only prayer is to live a healthy life doing things I enjoy and one day just poof , be gone! No falling ill, long bouts of being bed ridden and all that jazz.. I will stab myself if something like that happens..lolz.