Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Dear Diary.. time does fly by

Dear Diary,

Am back.. It has been awhile but feels like I was writing in you only yesterday. Two whole months have gone by and we have survived the days and nights.  But there are moments when am just blank and  I end up having a chat with Granpa - enquiring how he is doing now, does he get to watch TV, has he met his brother/sister and aunts/uncles/cousins.. If he gets to eat all that he loves or the diet is different and weird. 

Gramma is alright, she is being strong. Her life and day has changed completely, nothing seems familiar anymore. She doesn't do her daily puja, doesn't spend too much time in the puja room, doesn't keep milk for God like she used to... Gosh, the list is endless. I take a shower and light the lamp in the puja room, I keep fruits for God.... I am the one turning off all the lights, locking up and winding down before we hit the bed. I sleep with gramma and I sleep in Thatha's place... Every night is a bit of a struggle before sleep takes over. We talk about how thatha would curl up on his side, how he would wake up the minute gramma made the smallest sound, or if she was getting up to go to the loo, drink water. He would be up with her, be the one to go out fetch the vessel that holds the milk packets. 

Gramma is not the bold/am not scared of anything kind. She will not go out of the house once the sun sets unless one of us is with her, she will lock up all the doors and sit in the hall with TV on if she is alone, and she generally hates being home alone... 

My life has gone through some changes as well, but am back to finding my ground and getting into a rhythm. I am home early in the evenings, I don't go out late in the night or if I do, mom/uncle come stay over. I have come to terms with the fact that I have moved out of my own space. I recently bought a wardrobe and was quite excited as I filled it up. :-) 

I know there is a bigger plan in the offing... So, I have made peace with life and am happy about it.. 

Well, that's it for now.. Talk to you soon.

This monday... stay confident..

Monday, March 9, 2015

This Monday.. take care of yourself


Dear Diary - Making the move

Dear Diary, 

Am back.. And this time I just want to talk about this decision I have taken. You know how there are some decisions that come easy and then there are others that just wreck us, leave us confused and lost. This was one decision that came easy, I did not think twice, nor was there any dilemma about it. 

It has now been nearly a month since grandpa passed away... With his passing, came the question of how grandma will manage.. We all knew she can't live alone, and so the next question of what arrangements to make cropped up. One morning, I could hear the family in heated discussion about the future.. With each one voicing their thoughts, I couldn't stand silent.. I just announced my decision and that actually seemed to bring some peace to them all.. 

So, yes the big decision has been taken.. I am moving back to Chetpet to live with grandma.. have begun moving my stuff in bits & pieces. 

Last week one day I got to my home a  bit early thinking I will do some packing.. I pulled out a whole bunch of stuff and then jus sat staring at em all. I was overwhelmed- about packing them all and moving out. It was a bit emotional, I knew I needed help. Called mom, but she was napping and so uncle answered and he promptly came over and helped pack quite a bit.. :)

Even though I don't have too many things, it just seems like a lot. I had actually done up the space a bit and found a place for all my things. Now I was back to figuring out where to place them all and what to do with my things... 

I sure hope things will sort out and I will be at peace- with myself! 

Here's to a new beginning! Wish me luck.... 


Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Death and moving on

Dear Diary

Everytime I open a new page, my mind is in a muddle. I am going through something big, something drastic and it has me thinking.. 

Today is the 10th day since grandpa passed away. Yes, he died.. He was one of those who I thought will live forever. I knew he was weak, I knew he was barely eating, I knew he dint have the energy or zest he had earlier, but still I secretly hoped he lived on forever and ever. 

About 2 weeks ago, he fell ill, he couldn't breathe and so we admitted him in Hospital, after a few days they diagnosed him with pneumonia, and prescribed meds to help ease the phlegm out. And within a day, doc said  "he is good to go home, am prescribing some meds, come back for a review next friday". This was on Saturday. But then on wed, once again he had fever and began gasping for breath. So, off we took him once again to the hospital where his condition was labelled "critical" and he was shifted to the CCU and put on oxygen cos he couldn't breath easily on his own. Apparently phlegm was blocking his pipes & so oxygen wasn't flowing through to his lungs properly. 

During the course of the 2 days we spoke to his Cardio who suggested we move him to Ramachandra hospital once he stabilises. He did and we decided to move him on saturday. The paper work, wait for ambulance all took nearly 4 hours and finally he was loaded and going to the other hospital with a worried mom & uncle tagging along. I got home, stayed with gramma and waited for my uncle to arrive from Delhi. He came home, we got a call from mom that grandpa was very critical and might not make it through the night. We packed gramma with uncle and sent her to the hospital, we did not tell her everything. She kept asking us "Why tonight, i shall go tomorrow". We said "no, thatha has been asking for you for a few days, go see him and come". She believed us and went, only to come back upset that thatha did not open his eyes, see her or talk to her. 

That night was a nightmare.. Me, my sis and bro were up all night, pacing the living room, waiting for an update.. We knew the end was near, but were at our wit's end, and prayed it wasn't going to be what we dreaded... We made sure gramma was alright and slept a bit. Around 4.20am uncle called from hospital saying it was all over... He wanted me to tell gramma..

How do I tell her that her husband is no more? 
How do I face her and tell her that the man she spent nearly 64yrs with was no more?
How was I to tell her that her pillar of strength had left her and gone away?
How was I to tell her she was a widow? 
And yet , I did... Gosh. it was the most painful moment of my life ever..
Walked into the bedroom with my sis following close and we broke the news to her and watched her crumble. 
I don't think I can ever get over this loss... this moment!! 

Diary- why do people die? Why can't we just live on and go on n on? Will there be an advancement in technology that lets us just live on and on or vanish into thin air and make people around us forget us instantly? 

Everyday is a struggle... every moment is painful.. we don't know what word, what action will trigger off an outburst. There are moments when she seems ok, but then there are others when she is helpless and crying like a baby..

Diary- I wish the days just fly by and she finds strength to move on.... 
She has all of us, but still the void shall remain, I know!! 

Sigh.. can't write any more... see you soon! 

Sunday, December 28, 2014

Adieu to 2014 and Hola to 2015

I love Dec 31st, the New Year's Eve.....Here are my 8 reasons why [buhahaha why should it always be 5 or 10 or 15...]

1. The entire world makes a big deal of this day, and you sit wondering "I don't have any plans, and then comes a call from a friend inviting you to a party and the day looks kickass and you go about flaunting your plans to all"
2.Instead of being Thankful for all that happened in 2014, it would be a good time to show the finger to all the rotten things/moments you went through and do a boooyah for the 2015 
3. Not to forget, you did have some awesome things happen in 2014.. so be grateful for all that!!
4.  Remember to set aside time to travel [more places to explore and discover yourself some more].. Oh and you could meet some cute guys/girls [ err whatever your preference is] ;o)  and if you are not intro travelling but feeling generous, I am always ready and willing to do it for you.. just drop me a line and let me know, will share my bank account details ;)
5.  Dream big, take risks, it is just not worth being cooped up in your comfort zone all the time. It is the only way to live life!
6. If tonight you got no plans, you sit at home, watch TV, surf channels, stare at your phone and just have a quiet moment welcoming the new year in...
7. Ya ya the phone used to ring off the hook, but now all you get are whatsapp messages [ a few special ones have you smiling , making you realise how awesome your friends are]
8. Above all, remember that here comes a new year, a whole set of 365 days for you to learn, grow, mature, make mistakes, fall flat, embarrass yourself and just move ahead in life... go for it, reach for the stars, rather go beyond and have a fabulous year ahead!!

Here's to a super duper new year ahead....

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Quick wrap up!

Dear Diary,

How have you been? I know I haven't written in you in a while.. As I say silence means good news! So things have been going good, have been busy with work/projects and also managed to do not one but three trips to Bangalore [ albeit short ones] over the past 2 months. 

Looks like my "no bangalore" streak has been broken. I might be one more trip there, if only to spend more time with the cute little bundle there... He has the cutest smile and laugh that bursts into air overtime you sing a nursery rhyme, esp Pat-a-cake baker man... :-)

Apart from this, friends are always around, which makes it all worth while... But then off late I do notice there are a few changes in their behaviour... One odd has started pulling away, I am perfectly fine with that, just hope they aint going down the wrong path [ if my intuitions have taught me anything, it is that they are always right, which is what worries me] but then I do know that I cannot control or be there to guide people, they will figure life out..

Also realised I don't need some people in my life.. Makes me sad to cut them off but I am doing it for my own good.. Negativity around does sneak into your life and pulls you down... And these are people who I have come to realise just don't change, even though they talk about changing.. If i were to tell them this, their response would be "you have no idea how horrible my life is, I just can't do what you have done.. la la.." well, all I can say is "If you want to change, you need to find a way to change, else stop cribbing and deal with it"... 

Being in touch with people is good, but off late the sense of constantly in touch is getting to me.. I am the kind who likes space and so I consciously switch off.. And then there are those who you think care, who turn out to be just the opposite.. hard to digest but needs to be accepted ~!! Expecting them to do anything else is like expecting Floppy to talk, well he does by barking but imaging if he started talking like em dogs in Dr Dolittle.. :D 

Well, the past few days have been trying- in terms of health, life and work.. but things will settle down and I shall bounce back to my usual self.. Until then, time to just let go and live it up!! 

See you later... 

Yours truly


My Photo
Am a contradiction of sorts. i love going out and having a good time with friends, and i can also stay home chill out over a book or a movie.. Am very passionate about writing, so give me a topic and watch me float away into wonderland... I Am crazy about music,books,friends and my doggie... :)