Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Dear Diary, mind in a puddle

So, lots of things have happened since the time I spoke to you... I can sense a change in me, as a person, as an individual..

I continue to remain as independent as ever, just that I have now made peace with the world and stopped expecting things to be any different.

I have accepted the fact that certain people will always hold a soft corner in certain people's hearts and I shouldn't expect any kind of consideration from them in any aspect of life..

I have also finally accepted that I shall never hear a word of encouragement or acceptance from certain people who I thought mattered ....

I don't mean to be rude or bitchy, but why do people care only about those who are needy and clingy? Just because I am capable on my own doesn't mean I don't mind a kind word now and then...

My going out means I don't care..
Few others being out all the time means they are just having fun and it is perfectly fine

My wanting to go meet friends means I am or soothing
Well, I don't give two hoots for people who judge... I never did , now am just beyond indifferent, if that is even possible..

There are few friends who care..
There are others who remember me only when they need something
and then there are others who are there somewhere in the background, fading away...

Well, I am not one to vent, but looks like I too vent once in a while..
Once in a Blue moon... Oh hey, I did take the effort to step out and see the moon this New moon day when the moon was said to be a shade of blue.. Was beautiful...

Anyways, won't go on.. am done!! Mind is free, liberated is how i feel.. :-)

Thanks for being so patient..
Toodle doo till next time

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

S for Single

If there are two things that are found all around us it is "Free advice" and "questions". And both these shall be imparted without an ounce of consideration or thought to others.  And I have been subject to both these for more times than I can bother to keep track of.

Infact it has come to a point where I don't care anymore.. I don't react and that pisses them off more!
Last week, was out with friends when one of the girls [friend's friend] asked me "So, where is your child? someone at home to take care of them?".. I looked at her and replied "Nope, no children that I have abandoned anywhere".

Her next que "And your husband?" I once again patiently replied "Nope, none that I know still single"

She gaped, went all silent, awkward and slowly edged her way to the other side of the group...  I thought to myself "Are you serious? What on earth would prompt someone to just ask things like that to people they were meeting for the 1st time"...  My friend was like "sorry machan.. she can get quite nosy". I just shrugged it off and let is slide...

A similar instance few years ago came to my mind. This was a friend's sis in law who asked me about marriage, children and when I answered in the negative for both she went on to give me some lowely advice "you know you shouldn't put off these things for long.. you are growing old.. your body can't deal with change. if you want kids, you should start planning now itself.. bla bla bla"... All I did was sit silently and not react. Cos I knew if I reacted it would lead to another string of comments/questions....

These were both women, and I thought it might be a woman thing- being nosy and asking questions. But one guy I met [for matrimonial purposes] actually asked me "Is there something wrong with you? Are you not telling me something? [and here I was gritting my teeth and controlling the urge to have slapped him for all the idiotic things he had uttered].. I just stared at him and asked 'Why would you assume that?"..

He: "No, you are still single... so..."

I:"Umm, yes am single by choice..."

He:"Oh! really?"

I: "yes, really"

He: "Okay.. but you are 30+, so is there anything wrong that I should know of"

I:"Well, there is one thing......"

He: "Ah, see I knew it"

I: "Well, I can't imagine going ahead with this, and can't imagine living with someone like you"

He: "Whaat... why... what happened"

I: "Well, let us just say we aren't compatible.. Goodbye!"

He: "err, I was just asking... don't get angry!"

I: "Are you serious?"
[I bid adieu and walked off... men- gah!]

When will people realise it is my life, I am free to live it my way!

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Turmeric Blooms at Home

Few weeks ago one evening when I wandered towards the backyard, I noticed pretty flower in the Tulasi pot.. Called gramma who clarified that it was Turmeric flower...

Am hoping to do up the garden a little more.. Lets see how it goes in the next few months!

Sunday, June 7, 2015

Dear Diary, I miss Me

Dear Diary,

It has been 4 months since I moved back to my grandparents place..
It has been 4 months since grandpa passed away
It has been 4 long months since I enjoyed ME time....

I do miss living on my own
I do miss doing my own thing
I do miss having the freedom to cook what I want
I do miss just being Me
I do miss doing up my space the way I want to
I do miss having the liberty to change things
I do miss a lot of little things...

I dont regret the choices I have made
I dont regret the move I made
I dont regret making all these changes to my life..

But I do miss ME time..
There is a constant air of suffocation all around.
Questions, queries and suspicion
Why. Where. When..
Will this ever change? Will people ever understand the concept of "space"?
Or is this going to be a battle that goes on forever with no end in sight?

Sigh. I know it is weekend and I should be out.
But what to do, i cancelled my plans
While others went ahead with theirs
not bothering to update us!!

Oh well...  Alright, am gonna go knock myself out.. thanks for listening to me patiently..

Talk to you soon

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Dear Diary.. time does fly by

Dear Diary,

Am back.. It has been awhile but feels like I was writing in you only yesterday. Two whole months have gone by and we have survived the days and nights.  But there are moments when am just blank and  I end up having a chat with Granpa - enquiring how he is doing now, does he get to watch TV, has he met his brother/sister and aunts/uncles/cousins.. If he gets to eat all that he loves or the diet is different and weird. 

Gramma is alright, she is being strong. Her life and day has changed completely, nothing seems familiar anymore. She doesn't do her daily puja, doesn't spend too much time in the puja room, doesn't keep milk for God like she used to... Gosh, the list is endless. I take a shower and light the lamp in the puja room, I keep fruits for God.... I am the one turning off all the lights, locking up and winding down before we hit the bed. I sleep with gramma and I sleep in Thatha's place... Every night is a bit of a struggle before sleep takes over. We talk about how thatha would curl up on his side, how he would wake up the minute gramma made the smallest sound, or if she was getting up to go to the loo, drink water. He would be up with her, be the one to go out fetch the vessel that holds the milk packets. 

Gramma is not the bold/am not scared of anything kind. She will not go out of the house once the sun sets unless one of us is with her, she will lock up all the doors and sit in the hall with TV on if she is alone, and she generally hates being home alone... 

My life has gone through some changes as well, but am back to finding my ground and getting into a rhythm. I am home early in the evenings, I don't go out late in the night or if I do, mom/uncle come stay over. I have come to terms with the fact that I have moved out of my own space. I recently bought a wardrobe and was quite excited as I filled it up. :-) 

I know there is a bigger plan in the offing... So, I have made peace with life and am happy about it.. 

Well, that's it for now.. Talk to you soon.


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Am a contradiction of sorts. i love going out and having a good time with friends, and i can also stay home chill out over a book or a movie.. Am very passionate about writing, so give me a topic and watch me float away into wonderland... I Am crazy about music,books,friends and my doggie... :)